i was trying to sleep the other night. i usally go to bed around 2 AM, despite always saying "i'll go to bed earlier tomorrow." and in a moment a thought just hit me:
"what if i don't have to make myself feel like this? what if i stopped shaming myself for not already being who i think i'm supposed to be?
what if i just let myself be?"
i know none of this is a crazy revelation. it's something any therapist could tell you. in fact, it was the main thing me and my therapist talked about during 2021. well, that and my transition. but despite talking to her, knowing what she was saying was objectively correct, a part of me, deep down inside, didn't believe it. i couldn't possibly believe that all those years of shame were completely useless. "surely," i thought, "surely all my self hatred will prove itself to be useful eventually, right?"
well, no. it didn't.
nonetheless, it was something that i believed was too important to let go of. the constant shaming had become a part of me, an instinct as natural as breathing. i couldn't be too much, or take up any space, or let myself speak for too long.
the culture certainly didn't help. shame is a powerful tool, and no one knows this better than fascists. they use this to dehumanize marginalised voices, to illicit disgust and fear about us, not only in the minds of apolitical citizens but also, within ourselves. as Ken Moffat writes in his 2012 essay, Shame and Men:A Queer Perspective on Masculinity, "[insulting] is rather a performative gesture by the aggressor inscribing the power to hurt, and the power to mark one’s consciousness."
but the troubling part is, we are seeing the same attitudes in supposedly progressive spaces. the current internet is built to make you shame and exclude anyone who isn't like you. and anyone can fall victim to this mentality, regardless of political convictions. ultimately though, you turn off the screen, and all that's left is you and the shame, with nowhere to go but inside your head.
for some time now, i've tried my best to push back against the fear and shame. there were moments where it became suffocating. not only that, but i realised shame was actively hindering my progress. the Future Me i had propped up on a pedestal kept getting further and further away, because every time i failed to meet my own expectations i convinced myself i could never be that person. the blanket of shame was a protective shield i used to avoid change. i became a self-fulfilling profecy. "if i'm fucked anyway, why even bother?"
but it doesn't have to be that way. i know it didn't use to be that way. when i was a very small child, i didn't care so much. i just let myself exist as i was. and as much as i mourn those days sometimes, i know i can't turn back time and revert all the things that have led me to be neurotic and scared. i don't want to, either. the shame is a part of me now. i am who i am, for better or for worse, thanks to it.
and maybe, that's been the issue all along. i've tried to repress the shame while not realising that i am a whole person. i cannot exorcise the shame because it is me.
and yes, i am lazy, and angry, and annoying, and all the other things i tell myself i can't stand about myself. but would that be so bad? perhaps, i need to be less scared of being these things, and more open to experience all aspects of myself, including the negative ones.
to go back to childhood is impossible, but i can try to look at the world and myself with the same enthusiasm and kindness.
happy new year everyone, i hope 2026 is full of joy and surprises.
love,
devon.
p.d: a poem and the first sunrise of the year :]
